October 24th, 2008

Daddys Girl

for you.

i wont ever live, again with that regret;
over what i chose not to do that terrified me , or over lack of love on the part of another
because i'm here now, i'm making up for lost time
i'm standing bold and wanting, and will take what you can give me
i wont die my death
wont breathe my last breath
the way that i sincerely could have,
never knowing if there was ever a chance to right what i had put wrong
i wont wait
not another year or a day
not another second to tell you what you already know is the truth
that if you die before me i wont want to live a single moment longer
and when i tell you that if you you die, in Europe, without me by your side i will be fucking ANGRY.
and that its not a joke, because every time you go feels
like your going off to war and it might be the last time that i ever see you
like an important piece of me has been ripped away , like you've taken my still beating heart from my chest with you
like your departure is tantamount to death ,and every reunion, my own rebirth and awakening
let me tell you this: that i think you are stellar and that i want to be a thousand things to you the way you are to me;
if i cant be a thousand, then let me be at least one, of your choosing, whatever that may be
let me climb in you lap and be your child, or hold you and be your mother
if i could be your soft safe place, that would make me happy
but happier still, i'd spend as much time as i'm allowed, making that smile spread across your face and your knees buckle
when you get caught up into your moments of childlike glee
the play, that to you, seems to come so easily
you remind me of this and of myself , the things i chose to forget and then forgot
because i was too angry to let my selfish self go there
too heartbroken to let my self give in any deep and meaningful capacity, and maybe hurt in the process
and even if you cant ever love and need me the way that i so very much love and need you,
and if i cant be those things, then i will be content to simply be your lover

like a clock ticking toward our untimely end
i want to come to you with as much grace and passion as you give to me
roll you in my embrace
and see that look that you get on your face when your
amused by something
that glinting little quirk in your painfully intelligent eyes
or that final second gasp
when you've got me locked in the sites of your infinite angelic gaze
 and it feels like i'm staring down the barrel of a gun while you've got your finger on the trigger
a freight train out of control  coming down the track and i'm your final destination
and every second is infantisimal
You're my fathermotherbrotherloverpain
You've become my rectifyer
here stuck in your grasp like a fly on a pin
that when you look , and you see me, the real me, and that i am no longer afraid
that when you look i gasp, and see you in reflection, in return,
and that you cant ever look without showing at the same time

and if i cant be all of that to you, then let me simply be your lover....

that brief flicker of wonderment and glee, the rapture in your smile
i know that by your nature, you do and feel things differently than i;
But when i asked if you were scared of the way i feel and you said so calmly, without a flicker of doubt,
"Your love has never scared me away yet so far." then, i knew.
and knew that i could never be anything but entirely yours
from now until forever.
because I spent all those years truly thinking
that it was my love that had scared you away and that you were running from me.
  when that was only my fear.
i wont ever live, again, with that regret.

(no subject)

  1. cat box/ wash /comb cats
  2.  laundry/ towels/ change sheets
  3.  bag /box moar stuff
  4.  Sewing corner
  5. livroom tidy
  6. bathroom scrub
  7. vacuum
  8. make potatoes
  9.  keep kids from killing one another
  10. figure out outfit for Apo got it nailed down to one of two...
  11.  pack bag for saturday
  12. talk to Ajia about Saturday/pack her gift
  13.  get house ready for superseekrit special guest visitor!!1 :D:)
  14.  move stuff so its outta the way for the most part
  15. bleed
  16. find other wallet, that has dissapeared now that i found the other other wallet.
  17.  charge batteries and find out camera policy for the Vogue
  18. etc?
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    busy busy