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Feb. 5th, 2009

dont lie to me, and then wonder why i wont trust you

 or get upset when i pull back.
 or  get upset when i tell you you are wishy washy when you change your mind about everything ten times a fucking day.
   first its I need your rent by march first
 then its  I am leaving on march first
 then its, YOU are leaving on march first!
 then its, are we togther or not!!!?
 then  when i dont respond the way he want me to, its FINE then, you are a huge deceitful bitch who never ever loved me anyways.
 and oh no, i would never have hit you, except that twice in the last month  you've stepped close into my personal space seething with anger with fists clenched, then told me to back up or you might do something you will regret. what ? am i supposed to show fear? Am i supposed to cower, then, and step back?  i didnt dare you to hit me out of the blue so stop acting like it.
i said, Go ahead then, and get it over with, if you are going to do it..... Lets see what happens, ok?

I stayed because i thought it was the right thing to do. i thought that if i just loved you enough, if i could just give a bit more of myself, then it would be alright.  it doesnt work that way.  Yes, i stopped trying.Yes, i gave up.  Im sorry. Im not perfect.

 having another relationship highlighted for me what was missing between us,not just   mutual passion and compassion, but that i have been walking on eggshells for years, doing a balancing act , trying to please you. when i stopped that balancing act , i fell, hard.  to you it looked like i became another person. What it really was was that i stopped trying to please you  constantly, and started doing things for myself as well.



 and still you cant stop harping. You pace around like a beast, in your anger, still  demanding, commanding of me while i remain calm, and watch you stew. You tell me not to smile but i cant help it, your behavior is  for lack of a better word... funny.  Like a child caught in their tantrum. Stop pacing. sit down adn talk to me like an adult. I am here to listen if you need to talk. but not if you are yelling at me. if you yell,  all communication stops and i become incapable of listening.  i dont think that is unreasonable.

  I still habitually clean up after you, putting the  condiments away,  lid on the sugar  becasue i dont want to live in a sty and nmeed to use the kitchen..... habit. When you move out in  a few months,( and you will) most likely into her house, and start being a pig there, will she take up the slack? Will you see what it is you dont do?

i dont believe in failure. i believe that everything happens for a reason and that  our marriage was NOT a waste of time.. it was a learning experience and this, now is a huge opportunity for growth and change. i wont give in to being bitter, i wont get jaded, because above all else, i believe in love, and its amazing ability to heal.its going to take time, but thats ok.it takes as long as it takes.

Comments

molasses
Feb. 5th, 2009 07:44 pm (UTC)
this, maybe i'm not right, i think this is hardest, hurtiest part.
and dissecting fault and blame is partly natural, i guess, but largely unnecessary.

years of life lived together and love made is never a waste.

breathing.
meternieth
Feb. 5th, 2009 07:45 pm (UTC)
i am fully responsible for all of it. i should have left years ago. i was just too scared to be alone.
molasses
Feb. 5th, 2009 07:49 pm (UTC)
swimming with grace
i don't know.
"i should have left years ago."

is one thing. but this

i am fully responsible for all of it

is another.

you are where you are right now.
sorry for the edits.

and i feel you guys did the best you could in the moments.
some of the moments were pure love and some were very painful.


Edited at 2009-02-05 07:51 pm (UTC)